No, doctor, a very normal childhood,
Third son, as you’d expect,
In a cottage in the woods.
I left home at an early age
After my father’s death,
But everything went well enough.
I travelled through the forest,
Acquired animal companions
Had the usual kind of adolescent adventures.
Yes, everything was fine, really,
No problems worth mentioning,
The occasional monster of course.
I’d often encounter people and animals in need of aid,
That sort of thing,
Really, nothing unusual.
What they needed was always
Aid I knew how to give,
Or which my animals could help with.
My life was great until one day
I lay down to rest after killing a dragon
And the princess I’d rescued lay down beside me.
While we were napping,
An evil chamberlain snuck up behind us
And cut off my head.
Look, you can see the scar,
Yes, it goes all round.
But it should have all been fine.
My hare loped straight off and found a magic herb
My lion popped my head on my neck,
And back I came to life
I should have been as good as new,
I was ready to go down the mountain
Carry on with my adventures.
After all, I had the dragon’s hidden tongue.
I married the king’s daughter,
I was invested with half the kingdom.
But — and understand I don’t blame him
He did it with love, and he did his best,
And after all, what was the alternative?
But this is why I’m here, doctor..
To make no bones about it,
My lion put my head on backwards.
It was an emergency.
He’s only an animal.
He was doing his best.
He’s very apologetic.
He says he never looked which way my face went.
And really, just a trivial disability.
No, my wife says she doesn’t mind
She didn’t have time to get used to me the other way around.
My subjects wouldn’t dare to complain.
Well physically it’s just an inconveniece.
Yes, my animals do help a great deal.
No, we don’t have another magic herb.
But ever since that day I’ve had trouble sleeping.
I can’t concentrate properly.
I’m easily distracted.
I get anxious about everything.
It’s hard to take decisions.
My — excuse me mentioning — my interest in sex has decreased.
Everything seems so pointless.
I don’t care about things I know I cared about.
I can’t find the joy I used to have.
It’s all just because my head is on backwards
So, doctor, I was hoping you could help with that.
26th February 2023